if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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