with your own penis?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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