Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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