miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
