god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
