it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
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I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
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my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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