I should be sponsored by Trojan
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
