cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
