doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
The adults are the big ones right?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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