Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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