I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
