Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
