imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
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Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
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I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize