does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
