Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
