He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
