When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
