Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
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