he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
