The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
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accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
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It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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