I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
