Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
They are going to name an STD after you.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize