Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
