i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
