I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
