What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
40s are totally the cure
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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