I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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