I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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