well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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