Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
