there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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