I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
