It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
