you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
