well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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