As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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