toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
