my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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