im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
honey bunches of taint.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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