it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
