I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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