Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
