I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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