come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
the liver wants what the liver wants
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
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