Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
