i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
