Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
