i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
