I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
