you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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