I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
