it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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