so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
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I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
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Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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