oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
