I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
