im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
